Written by Garret Mathews, first-place winner, National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and author of numerous books including, Can’t Find a Dry Ball, which chronicles a season with the Evansville (IN) Otters.
NOTE: At some corporations, young urban professionals—too busy with careers and stock portfolios to follow sports—have hired consultants to brief them on the subject so they can make good impressions on clients who follow bats and balls. Well, I’m your guy. And here’s my pitch.
Dear Yuppies,
Courtesy: 123rf.com
Look no more. I know crackback blocks, the low block, and how to put on a jock without tripping over the straps.
I know blitz packages, bloop singles, and which layer of the outer atmosphere an ammonia capsule will send your head into.
I know resin bags, tight ends, high-sticking, fair catch, double-headers, pass interference, possible concussion – must I go on?
It’s a perfect fit.
You’ve spent your lives wearing trendy clothes and being seen at all the right places. You dream of earning enough money to buy a gold-encrusted crown to put on your iPod.
I’ve spent mine wearing dirty sweat suits and watching sports on television with the dream of earning enough money to afford a six-pack of the beer advertised at halftime.
For a one-time fee of $5,000 I’ll provide all the information you need to fool sports fans into thinking you’re one of them.
Courtesy: lifeatthecoinshop.com
It starts with slang.
I’ll be your teacher as you learn beanball, shooting the rock, throwing aspirin tablets, foot in the bucket, and my favorite hockey expression (for a player who suffered a blow to the face causing him to lose teeth) – “spitting Chiclets.”
I know you yuppies. You’ll want to talk about debenture, convertible bonds, and hedge funds. Not in my class. I require total concentration. You give me mortgage-backed securities and I’ll high-stick your cranium.
Guys who are into sports like to throw out names, like Koufax. Drysdale. Ozzie. Stan the Man. Elway. Unitas. Ditka.
I’ll give you some names of your own. Wally Moon. Jerry Lumpe. Marty Keough. Spider Lockhart. Del Shofner. Babe Parelli. Your fellow money-grubbers will be amazed that you know some of the lesser lights who haven’t had car dealerships named for them. At the very least, they’ll worship you. With any luck, they’ll share insider information that will make you even richer. (Important note: If that happens I’ll require a special bonus of lifetime free sports cable.)
www.colourbox.com
Finally, you’ll learn strategy.
I’ll impart the following: When to ice the shooter. When to blitz. How a wide receiver pretends to be unconscious so the referee will stop the clock. The proper antidote to administer when an ammonia capsule is mistakenly put into your Seven and Seven.
For no extra charge, I’ll take you into a real locker room for bonus instruction.
You’ll get personal insight into how to snap a towel at another man’s private parts.
How to apply a pink belly.
How to undress slowly after a game so you get to shower alone.
Don’t delay, Yuppies.
Call today before a bloop single costs you a commission.
