Here’s another one of my older columns from before the 2012 season started. I know the show Malcolm in The Middle has been off the air for a few years but I really feel like it had some really great characters that lend themselves well to the concept of this column. So here it is as it appeared all the way back in the summer of 2012. Hope you all enjoy!
My last column “Favorite NFL Teams of Fictional Characters: How I Met Your Mother” garnered some positive feedback, which is why I’m doing a sequel column for the awesome show ‘Malcolm in The Middle’ a brilliantly written show about a dysfunctional lower middle class family struggling to get by. If you missed the last column here it is by the way….
https://www.thesportscol.com/2013/02/casting-how-i-met-your-mother-nfl-teams/
Courtesy: Teen Nick
As the season vast approaches I’m going to put my focus in to my Season Preview, which will be out after everyone plays their third preseason game. Before the preseason starts to get going I wanted to write one more “fun” column. Basically the idea is I take characters from the hit show ‘Malcolm In The Middle’ and figure out who their favorite NFL teams would be based on their personalities. For this exercise I’ll include all the main members of the family Hal,Lois,Francis,Malcolm,
Hal: Cincinnati Bengals
Hal was always one of my favorite characters because at his core he is very loyal and has a good heart. It’s easy to feel empathy for him being that he has to work a job he hates in order to provide for a nagging control freak wife and trouble making children. Hal isn’t all peaches and cream though as he’s also very naive, gullible, and totally neurotic. Hal also seems to have a little bit of a knack for getting in to trouble like his boys, but he’ll never step too out of bounds since he knows Lois runs the ship. Hal fits in to the mold of a life long Bengals fan, he’s used to losing but is accepting of it. Any type of success seems to come out of nowhere but really isn’t sustained for a long period.
Lois: Pittsburgh Steelers
Well who didn’t see this coming from a mile away? Lois is the leader of the house hold and doesn’t take crap from anyone. She’s blunt, stubborn, and impassioned about pretty much everything. Lois is about as blue collar as you can get, often having to work overnight and double shifts at the “Lucky Aide”. Lois is an every man/woman type but unlike most of us she speaks her mind and isn’t afraid to go to war for what she believes in even if what she’s fighting for might seem miniscule to people like you and me. Lois just reeks Pittsburgh Steelers. Can any of you say you couldn’t see her obnoxiously waving one of those “Terrible Towels” while screaming at the top of her lungs? Didn’t think so.
Francis: Baltimore Ravens
This may cause a tiff with my fellow Raven fans who read this but I’m going to say it anyway….. Raven fans and Steeler fans are EXACTLY alike (for the most part). Fans of either team always say how rude and obnoxious the fans of the opposite team are, but neither can admit that they’re both totally obnoxious! That being said this is why it makes a ton of sense to have Francis a Ravens fan. He’s almost exactly like his mother, so alike that they constantly clash. It seems as Lois’ overbearing parenting turned Francis in to a head strong rebel, he has total disregard for any type of rules or structure, but like his mother his roots are very blue collar. As a bonus point to throw out Francis is very skilled at giving big impassioned speeches, kind of like a certain player for the Ravens *cough cough* Ray Lewis.
Reese: Oakland Raiders
Without a doubt the easiest person to pair with a team. Reese is a mean spirited bully who enjoys watching people suffer. Reese is not very intelligent and often comes up with half baked plans that never pan out. Does this not totally embody the Raiders? On the field they’ve always had the reputation for being “dirty” and the front office led by the late great Al Davis……well just about everything they did in the last ten years or so seemed half baked and never really paned out. Reese and the Raiders are a perfect match.
Malcolm: San Francisco 49’ers
Ah the central character of the show. Malcolm is a super gifted genius and he has powers, yes he’s the only character who has the power to break the 4th wall and talk to the camera ala Zack Morris and Ferris Bueller. Unlike those guys Malcolm is not cool, he’s bitter, cynical, and sometimes condescending to people he feels are beneath him intellectually. I’ve determined Malcolm to be a Niner’s fan because San Francisco is a city that most people associate with sophistication and other such things like that. The 49’ers also own a great lineage much like Malcolm does with academic achievements and blah blah blah. It also makes sense since Malcolm has a natural rivalry with his older brother Reese who is pretty much his complete opposite. Every time there is a 49’ers/Raiders game I always hear about a stabbing or shooting or whatever. Excelsior Malcolm!
Dewey: Tennessee Titans
Now we come to my favorite character of the show, young Dewey. Despite being the youngest child for most the show Dewey is often neglected. Dewey is lost in the shuffle having to compete for attention with the two trouble making kids (Francis and Reese) and the genius (Malcolm). The lack of attention causes Dewey to often wander around and get lost, but he always comes out okay. Dewey has a sweet soul, but can be just as clever as Malcolm at dealing with jerks who screw with him or the ones he cares for. After years and years of sibling abuse from his older brothers Dewey has nothing left to fear and is easily the most laid back person in his family. Dewey embodies the spirit of a Titans fan with his laid back attitude and overall good soul and just like Dewey, the Titans always seem to be overlooked but can be very tough from time to time.
Courtesy: Yahoo TV
Ida (Lois’ Mother): Philadelphia Eagles
Yeah I had to take a shot at the Eagles. Ida is like a unholy combination of Cruella Deville, Hitler, and anyone who finances Tom Green movies rolled in to one. Ida is just a straight up nasty person, even Reese can show signs of compassion from time to time, but Ida is uncaring, rude, ignorant, and just an unpleasant human being. Before all you Eagle fans go crazy just keep in mind that this is just a broad generalization, but I mean….you guys have a fucking jail in your own stadium. I think it’s safe to say that Ida is the type that would boo Santa Claus. Just for the record I do know a few nice Eagle fans so please don’t kill me now.
Craig Feldsbar: Buffalo Bills
One of my favorite side characters of this show. The fat blob known as Craig works at Lucky Aide with Lois. He’s weak, insecure, and kind of prissy. Craig for whatever reason has an undying love for Lois and seems tortured not to be able to express that love. Yes Craig is a tortured soul much like the masses of Buffalo Bills fans. Craig has never quite reached his potential and this kills him inside just like say losing four Super Bowls in a row. Inside Craig’s heart is a cold deescalate despair that no one could possibly understand, but damn it if he doesn’t try! I could be wrong but I see Bills fans as mostly being depressed but still having hope despite always sensing that failure is imminent. Poor Craig as he sits in his apartment alone watching the Scott Norwood kick over and over hoping that maybe one of these times it goes through the uprights. Keep fighting the good fight Craig!
So that will wrap it up for this column. I won’t be doing another one until my big Season Preview. Like always I encourage comments, likes, shares, whatever. I thank you all for reading and look forward to the 2012 Season Preview.
