How do Champions League and English Premier League matches compare? In short, the former is much more polished and professional. Here’s why.
This recent example of commentary of a Champions League soccer game is smooth and inoffensive. It is delivered by one commentator – Martin Tyler – who doesn’t need a sidekick to elaborate on his observations. It is more pleasant and professional than English Premier League match commentary. One doesn’t need to put it on mute to avoid mind-numbing comments from ex-players with accents that grate.
One main commentator, polished and occasionally eloquent, is sufficient. Soccer is a simple game, so most soccer fans don’t need some uncouth twit sharing the mic only to harp on about the bleedin’ obvious.
I’ve watched several EPL games (sometimes even with the sound on) where the color analyst demonstrates no tactical nous. Games where he cannot offer valuable insights into the rare tactical intricacies, instead saying something akin to, “We’ll have to wait for VAR (VAR is Video Assistant Referee) on that one, but it’s close.” Thanks for nothing.
However, they are pretty verbose when describing what our lying eyes already tell us. For example, they tell us that awarding a penalty kick is a big, game-changing decision, that the corner taker needs to hit it over the first defensive player, or that the striker should have scored when the goal was gaping. Duh! Soccer is a simple game suitable for their simple minds.
Analyst side-kicks offer no value beyond the play-by-play commentator; they detract from it. The Champions League is arguably the most prestigious soccer tournament in the world. CBS covered the match in the example above, and if that network can produce sublime commentary with a single, astute commentator, then so can the highfalutin English Premier League.
Not only are the EPL play descriptions moronic, but their unrefined accents are distracting. It’s not only that they have mastered banality with blabbering diction, but, bumbling along on auto-pilot, they spew sickly narration that mocks what was once a contact sport.
Seemingly lacking consciousness, they utter words like “lovely,” “exquisite,” “delicious,” and “sumptuous,” as though they were watching rhythmic gymnastics. These are cringeworthy descriptions of soccer, misrepresenting what should be “powerful,” “clever,” dynamic,” “penetrating,” “precise,” and even “teasing” soccer passes, shots, and other plays.
I suspect that the anal-ysts hardly went to school, so dumb are they, so where did they pick up such enfeebled and effeminate language? Oh, dear! NBC Sports still has the broadcast rights to EPL games in America. They must be riddled with woke wankers, to use an ill-bred term familiar to them.
Perhaps, as if by osmosis, their touchy sensitivity is seeping into the commentary booth from the field.
As a corollary, many players themselves are misguidedly woke. An increasing number even have ridiculously hyphenated last names. Dewsbury-Hall (Chelsea), Ward-Prowse (West Ham), Smith-Rowe (Fulham), Gibbs-White (Nottingham Forest), and Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool) are just several of many. How does that even happen? Is it some confused rebellion against the wiser patriarchy?
Those prima donnas should man up and definitely stay away from the commentary booth when their playing days are over.
