During an executive meeting last week, a fly was on the wall at 1 Jets Drive. The fly recorded Jersey Jet bigwigs (let’s be honest) as they conducted their expert organizational evaluations. The fly said ….
DISCLAIMER: I received this transcript in exchange for rescuing said fly from potato-leek soup.
Gentlemen and ladies, it’s another two-digit loss season. Our coach looks like he’s either catatonic or waiting for a bus that will never arrive. Probably both. Our 4th string QB is terrible, but interestingly enough, less terrible than strings 1 through 3. Let’s take a moment to assess and plan for 2024.
We’ve got to be honest with ourselves and deliver a better show for our fan’s money. This is NYC, dammit, the birthplace of Vaudeville, Broadway, Bugs Bunny, the Damned Yankees, and Egg Creams.
I will give some basic organizational statuses with commensurate solution strategies; input is appreciated.
Over three seasons, our head coach has achieved a record of 17Ws and 33Ls. 18 of the Ls are by 17 points or more. It’s the worst record of any Jet OC that has 50 or more games under his belt. In two consecutive years, a team seemingly headed for the playoffs spit the bit. We lead the league in penalties and always fall behind out of the gate.
Discussion ensues….
THINK TANK RESPONDS: In his defense, Saleh’s remarkably consistent, and I’d like to point out that he also leads the league in excuses. No one runs the stairs like Saleh; imagine a paunchy Schnorrer like Andy Reid attempting it. GOTTA keep him!
Our Jersey Jets will finish last or near last in multiple offensive categories, including all the important ones, like points. Unlike 11 other professional teams, we failed to improvise and create an alternative offensive response when QB1 dropped. Simply put, our offense this year has been historically inept.
THINK TANK: In light of these facts, we must bring back the OC and announce it quickly so this in-demand genius doesn’t get poached by the many outfits clamoring for his services. Outstanding performance, industry gold standard. Captain Ayahuasca keeps telling me so.
Our Jersey Jets faceplanted in 5 of the 6 nationally televised games slated for us by the NFL in a miracle of corporate optimism. I’m pretty sure we’ll never get another prime-time shot, which is not good news for many reasons, all of which attach to our bottom line.
THINK TANK: Exemplary prep and performance when under a microscope and the stakes are high. It augers well for a playoff run next season.
Our Jersey Jets quit in the first half against Cleveland and got diced up by the QB (Flacco) we bypassed when he phoned us up to offer his services, and we still had a season. Please let me know what you think.
THINK TANK: Hey, it reminds me of when Chad Pennington knocked us out of the playoffs in the last game of 2008 – Fitzmagic coughing it up in 2015 was inspiring – It reminds me of when Belichick quit in 99 – What about the Pete Carrol Jets quitting in 1994 – Coslet’s mess aint chicken liver/Gastineau blowing/Sanchez butt fumbling/Remember the Mud Bowl? –
OK, enough. This all adds up to sustainable, competitive, perceptive leadership. Let’s roll with it. After all, the definition of insanity is to keep doing what the Jersey Jets do and expecting…. I forget how that saw ends. We’ve based an entire franchise, fanbase, and the brief careers of our athletes on one 40- 40-year-old who never threw a pass for us. At this stage in his career, he comes off more as an aging bassist from a Grateful Dead tribute band than an NFL QB, and he is a clear injury risk in the future. A miracle will be required for him to complete as many as 6 games for us next year.
THINK TANK: It worked so well this year. Let’s do it again. It’s always never worked before. I project Jordan Love will be 40, washed up, and available in 2038 when this franchise prepares its next major Super Bowl push. So, let’s stick with our plan.
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks as always for your input. This has been the mother of all meetings. I’m confident this brand of corporate leadership will continue to deliver the goods that all Jersey Jet fans buying season tickets for the price of a compact automobile, and Joe Klecko jerseys at $111.99 deserve.
