Spare us the inane observations and contrived nuances, so we don’t have to mute the sound during live action.
The commentator’s curse is often revealed in soccer matches. It simply means that after being lauded for his brilliance, a player immediately does something incomprehensibly inept. As the commentator gushes on air, the player proceeds to give the ball away, misses a wide-open goal, wantonly concedes a penalty, or otherwise takes leave of his soccer senses. It’s incongruous with the commentator’s plaudits, hence the curse.
It’s all rather amusing, but a more insidious form of the curse is foisted upon viewers: inane commentary by analysts who have mastered the bleedin’ obvious. Since they add little value but much distraction, they should be issued a red card.
I’m not deriding the play-by-play announcers who generally offer vivid portrayals of the action with compelling, even refined elocution. I compiled a few recent examples, paraphrasing from some of the more cultured commentators the English Premier League:
• Nice idea, but the execution was awry.
• Instead of a card, it’s only ticking off.
• The player knelt in supplication before the crowd.
• The crowd is quiet. Did someone drop a sedative in their half-time tea?
• The goal was more graceful than the celebration.
• The referee called the meeting, but it was the players setting the agenda.
Those discerning descriptions reflect the polished presentations of the main commentators. By contrast, their analyst sidekicks blabber mundane observations (often in poor diction) that annoy more than enlightening. Here are some examples of their nonsensical jargon that are wholly devoid of insight:
• He made the most out of it (describing a player who was fouled and wants a free kick).
• He went to the ground easily (ditto).
• I’ve seen them given (fouls the ref didn’t penalize, but how often have we seen them not given?).
• This is a great opportunity (after the award of a penalty – duh!).
• He knew exactly what he was doing (when a defender commits a cynical foul. Well, at least he’s conscious then).
• He should score those (when a player misses a sitter. Thanks for that insight).
• He knew exactly what he was doing there (when a player, still presumably conscious, curls a nice shot into the goal).
• They are moving the ball faster and more accurately (not much value added in that description of a team that is dominating possession).
• He’s got to get the ball over the first defender (after a corner kick is headed away on the near post).
• This could be a pivotal point in the match (after a player is sent off, reducing his team’s complement of eligible players).
• He should have passed that (after the offensive player missed his shot).
• He should have been more selfish (after the offensive player passed the ball instead of shooting).
• That was a good “footballing” goal (to remind us what sport we are watching).
• Goals change games (when the analyst is lost but feels compelled to blurt something out.).
I sympathize with soccer analysts who don’t seem to be the sharpest tools in the shed. Unlike most American sports, where there is a myriad of plays, formations, clock management, and other tactics to consider, the permutations in soccer are minimal. It’s a beautifully simple game that is not amenable to deep analysis.
Occasionally, there’s an opportunity for some color when someone actually scores, but we don’t then need a master of the obvious constantly blabbering platitudes. It would be more entertaining to program a Chatbot to point out that the scorer knew what he was doing; that it was a good footballing goal; that it represents a pivotal point in the match; or that it will change the dynamics of the game. And I bet the bot would grate less, too.
Soccer analysts should be relegated to the halftime show where they may add value by replaying controversial moments like a penalty or offside decisions. For traditionalists, they may offer a bit of authenticity, but I’m happy to have an appointment with my fridge during 15 minutes of half-time refuge.
Just spare us the inane observations and contrived nuances, so we don’t have to mute the sound during live action. Red card the blabbering analysts! They are the true commentator’s curse.
