Storyline: There have been way too many unsuccessful seasons for the Colorado Buffaloes. Can this be the year they take control and win something? Written by Francis Russell, Denver, Colorado.
Football season is nigh; and even though last season descended into a sheer tragedy, this year is a chance to start new. A chance for all football fans to hold their heads high with optimism for their Home Team. The once mighty Colorado Buffs are 0-0. While 2014’s 2-10 record was an embarrassing display for Buffs-nation, there’s no reason 2015 can’t end in glory.
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After all, why not us? I mean only two years ago, the Duke Blue Devils threw off the shackles of perennial defeat. They tallied 10 wins and a trip to the Chick-fil-A Bowl. For decades, the entirety of Durham, North Carolina labored through falls of weekly gridiron drubbings and held their breath for basketball season.
Finally they got to taste tender, crispy, and delicious, post-season football. Unfortunately, we don’t have Coach K to help in down years. We also don’t have players like Christian Laettner or Kyrie Irving either.
Therefore, the Buffs need this! The hope for a fruitful El Nino and safe passage down I-70 won’t quell the sting of another season in the cellar. If the Buffaloes are 0-3 after their meeting with Bobo’s Rams, only a handful of faithful fans will remain. I won’t be one of them, even though I sympathize with their demented obsession. The rest will be experimenting with nylon-strap sandals, Marmot vests, and Bernie Sanders’ third-party presidential campaign.
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We need seven wins for bowl eligibility. However, seven won’t merit the sweet splendor of a Chick-fil-A-funded post-season. But, after seven years of drought, any bowl will do. A trip to the desert to watch MacIntyre-and-gang fight it out in the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl would throw Buffs-fans into frenzy. A night of irresponsible sports betting and electronic dance music might give Boulder’s mountain junkies some much-needed balance.
So how do we get there?
September perfection. At first look, September’s slate of Hawaii, UMass, CSU, and Nicholls State looks like an easy road to 4-0. A closer look gives reason to worry. Especially because anything short of a 4-0 start all but disqualifies the Buffs from bowl contention.
The Hawaii Rainbow Warriors aren’t the pushover their 4-9 2014 campaign suggests. First, USC transfer, Max Wittek, is now at the helm of the Rainbow Warriors’ offense. You might remember
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Wittek from his 2012 and 2013 performances against CU. If not, you can find the film on his highlight reel. The Mater Dei star was once Lane Kiffin’s prize recruit. While the land of competition wasn’t kind to Wittek, or Kiffin, the 4-star talent might shine again in Honolulu.
Second, on the subject of fallen stars, Norm Chow! The world was once his oyster. He was the highest paid assistant coach in the country—and his success vindicated his paycheck. While Leinart & Co. were trouncing the mighty Sooners, Chow was the name on everyone’s short list—the future of college football. Now he’s Hawaii’s head coach, and he has deteriorated into a grimacing old man with slouched shoulders. He more closely resembles harmless Uncle George than a cunning Offensive Mind.
It wouldn’t bode well for CU if these two former Californios summon their old winning ways late on the night of September 3. By the way, who in the world is responsible for an 11 pm kickoff on a Thursday night?
How much bourbon did Director Rick George drink before he signed us up for that? Are the Buffs’ finest really going to sprint the gridiron at 2:30 in the morning? Are we dropping the veil and admitting that these kids can sit through all the communications classes they find time for, but they’re not students?
They’re protein-gulping athletic machines. If they can’t get a gig playing pro ball, they’ll be leading their Home County’s JV football team. Now where was I!? Oh, yeah, Hawaii isn’t bad . . . not a pushover . . . especially not in the middle of the night, all of that.
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UMass Minuteman look completely horrible. Unlike Hawaii, the “stuff” doesn’t slither away on further examination, but the same festering team played the Buffs within 3 points last season. Also, they look about the same this year, so it’s worth a watch. And if you can’t make it to old Folsom Field, I hope your bar of choice gets the Pac 12 network.
I couldn’t care less for the CSU Rams. Forget the little dog they run on the field before their games. Last year, as I witnessed our 4th quarter collapse, I thought of how far my Buffs had fallen. “The Rams aren’t our rival! The birds in Lincoln are our rival!”. I used to say that, but now I’m not sure if we’ve won half our matches with the Rams since I enrolled at CU. The Rams lost their coach and quarterback to the NFl, so there’s a ray of hope.
I don’t know the slightest thing about Mike Bobo, but he seems strapping and cocksure—like a lean Eliot Spitzer with a heavy five-o’clock shadow. He makes our MacIntyre look like a doughy oaf with a bowl haircut. Anyways, I don’t care for him. Like last year, CSU isn’t a push over. If not for the new coach and quarterback factor, CSU would be the favorite.
Now with Nicholls State. Where is Nicholls State? And how much did Director George pay the venal pigs in Nicholls to allow the Buffs to bash their heads in? To all CU students, watch this game because this might be your only chance in 2015 to pound your chest and see your Home Team pummel the competition. If the Buffs lose to the wretched Colonels, then at least you can spend Saturdays in Norlin Library maneuvering your way to academic All-American honors; or at least winning the love of your parents.
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As for the Oregon Ducks, rest assured that Mark Helfrich is a charlatan. CU fans know this as well as anyone. The proof is in his stint running the Buffs’ hapless offense from 2006 to 2008. Sure he took the Ducks to a national championship last year, but he’s living on borrowed time. He drove his dad’s Ferrari to the race track. Once he runs it into the ground, Uncle Phil Knight and a horde of neon-clad Northwesterners will be piecing the program back together. Unfortunately, it won’t come soon enough for the Buffs.
I could launch into a rant about the Ducks’ quarterback competition between transfer Vernon Adams and former Mariota-clipboard-holder-Jeff Lockie, but it doesn’t matter who the quarterback is. The Ducks have enough pieces in place to beat the Buffs with their third string. If I can’t get good odds I’ll probably just ignore it this year. Why ruin my weekend watching this supreme mismatch?
Both Arizona teams are solid. They’ll probably stomp us into the Earth. With luck, and maybe an opportune groin pull, we could get one win to keep morale up. I’m not holding my breath.
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Let’s look at this Oregon State Beavers team for a second. Could you imagine going to school in Corvallis? All year long, fellow condescending Oregonians talk down to you about their Ducks while squinting at the slightest hint of sunshine. The Beavs’ 2014 5-7 record is deceptive. Sure they squeaked out a win at Folsom Field, but they also beat the, then number 6 Sun Devils, and barely lost to the, then number 20, Utes in two overtimes.
It’s a new team this year with a new, unnamed, quarterback and a new coach, Gary Andersen. He’s the same maniac that left 10-2 Wisconsin to take over a mediocre Beavers team because, well no one knows. Would you leave football-crazed Madison to take over the Beavers?
Even without Melvin Gordon, I’d take Madison without thought. But he’s won everywhere he’s been, so I won’t question his mental faculties. Either way, we need this one if we’re going to get to 7 and, better yet, we have to do it in Corvallis.
The Buffs took the UCLA Bruins to double overtime last year. Brett Hundley, UCLA’s all-time total offense leader, left for the NFL. There’s a chance a guy named Neuheisel will be their quarterback, but it’s a slim one. After all, his dad isn’t coach there anymore.
They finally caught on that there’s something weak and malignant in the spine of the dim meat head. If UCLA had canned him a year sooner, young Neuheisel would be discovering the finer points of Moscow, Idaho. While last year’s matchup gives some confidence, it’s thin. The Bruins are talented, so talented they’d still win under the weight of 2 or 3 Neuheisels.
Against the Stanford Cardinals and USC Trojans we’ve got to suit up. But this is the nadir of the season. The time when fans are still clinging to the memory of the 4-0 September, or jumping like unnerved rats from a burning ship.
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Luckily, when we meet Washington State Cougars, they’ll be down in the dumps. They’ll be recovering from repeated thrashings at the hands of the Pac 12’s finest. While their offensive Rain Man may erupt in brilliance during that span, conjuring the days of Michael Crabtree and Sonny Cumbie isn’t likely. It’s more likely we’ll see a blank-faced and beatable leach. And we need the win in Pullman to get to 7.
With a little luck, this year’s trip to play the Utah Utes might vault us into bowl eligibility. While Wittingham is a good coach, we’ve played Utah fairly close for years. This year we’ve got more experience. And Jim Leavitt—a certified madman—at defensive coordinator. So there’s hope.
