NOTE: It used to be called “The Big Dance!” Now it’s called “March Madness.” Either way, we need a law against this.
Written by Garret Mathews. To read about Garett’s most recent project go here.
If I were running things, the following resolution would be on the sports books.
Courtesy: Philly.com
WHEREAS, words are the red corpuscles of our language.
WHEREAS, at the end of every college basketball season, there is a horrible bloodletting.
WHEREAS, once upon a time, “Big Dance,” was a clever way to refer to a team invited to compete in the NCAA basketball tournament.
But … that was a lifetime ago when Dick Vitale was only irritating members of his immediate family.
WHEREAS, since the first utterance of “Big Dance,” it has been repeated at least 20 million times by every sportscaster with a voice and every sportswriter with a keyboard.
WHEREAS, “Big Dance” is not even an accurate expression.
Do opposing roundball players get cheek-to-cheek? Do they glide across the floor in frilly clothes? Do they compete for prizes alongside Jerry Rice?
Courtesy: Boston Herald
WHEREAS, there’s bound to be a way to refer to the NCAA tournament without using a banal ballroom expression.
There’s “Big Event Involving Incredibly Tall Men with Out-Of-Whack Pituitary Glands.” Or, to highlight the shoe sizes of the athletes, there’s the “Big Bunion.”
WHEREAS, “Big Dance” is not the only stupid cliché put forth in mid-March. There’s “Punch your ticket for the Big Dance” and “Got a date for the Big Dance” and “Signed the guest book for the Big Dance.”
WHEREAS, henceforth, the term “Big Dance” will be the sole province of the junior-senior prom and the Saturday night shindig at the Elks Lodge.
WHEREAS, persons violating this decree will be subject to a penalty—up to and including a sentence at the Federal Pen.
WHEREAS, a first-time speaker of “Big Dance” will be granted a degree of mercy by the courts, especially if he covers his mouth immediately after the words come out.
Courtesy: Yahoo Sports
He will be allowed to plead guilty to a lesser charge of nitwitted thinking, and be placed under House Arrest for a period of time … not to exceed the tournament finals. Upon successful completion of shock probation, his record will be purged and he will no longer have to go to bed with a thesaurus.
WHEREAS, a second-time offender of the “Big Dance” rule will have his tongue shackled to the paddy wagon where he will be given a vocabulary delousing.
WHEREAS, a three-time loser will take his “Big Dance” straight to the Big House.
To ensure that he offends no more, the sports circuitry in his brain will be surgically removed.
WHEREAS, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
