There are several jobs I absolutely don’t want.
Hemorrhoid doctor. Dentist. Roto-Rooter man. Undertaker. Elephant shoveler.
Courtesy: wwe.com
After listening to ESPN Radio on a long car trip. I added a new one to the list. The sports person who has to ask star athletes about their groin injuries.
It goes something like this:
Reporter: “Gee, Barry, I couldn’t help but notice that you were really wincing during that last at-bat. Was it just a bad sandwich or were you in acute pain?”
Barry: “More like agony. It felt like certain parts of my body were having a tug of war and the wrong side won. The only reason I didn’t carry a cane to the plate was because the game was on television.”
Courtesy: www.hngn.com
Reporter: “Is it a groin injury?”
Barry: “You’d better believe it. The way it looks right now, I’ll be walking on tiptoes for the rest of my career.”
Reporter: “Can you tell us how you got hurt?”
Barry: “A $1,000 bill was on the field. As I stretched to get it, something snapped.”
Reporter: “So we shouldn’t expect you back in the lineup any time soon, is that right?”
Barry: “Correct. The trainer won’t give me clearance to play unless I can stretch for a $10,000 silver certificate without re-aggravating the injury.”
I don’t know about you, but I believe there are some things that should be off-limits to public purview. Nose hairs. Spit. Anything rectal. And the well-being of somebody’s groin.
Courtesy: capitalnewyork.com
I’ve interviewed thousands of people. Asked about their jail time. Why they learned to carve their initials into a matchstick with a chain saw. Why they use rattlesnakes to guard their toolboxes. Why they think the cantaloupe from their garden looks like Uncle Milton.
I’ve never once asked about a groin. The words just wouldn’t come out.
Me (embarrassed): “Uh, er, how’s your gr-? I mean, you know, the thing that’s got you on tiptoes. Your, uh, uh…”
Sports star: “Are you referring to the juncture of my lower abdomen and inner thigh?”
Me: “Yes.”
Sports star: “You mean my groin.”
Me: “I’d appreciate it if you don’t use that word.”
Courtesy: memegenerator.net
Sports star: “So what do you want me to call that part of my body?”
Me (sheepishly): “The spot.”
Sports star: “Jeez, you’re weird. Let me get this straight. You want to know how my spot is for your newspaper article?”
Me: “Yes.”
Sports star: “Getting better every day. Thanks for asking.”
Me: “When will your spot be ready to resume normal activities?”
Sports star: “Maybe a week, maybe longer. The spot has a mind of its own.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I must stop the interview. I’m very uncomfortable.”
Sports star: “Why? Does your spot hurt?”
Me: “No. I just want to go to a place where groins are off-limits.”
Sports star: “A convent?”
Me: “I’m on my way.”
