Written by Garret Mathews
Note: Veteran columnist Garret Mathews devoted 25 years to writing the metro column for The Evansville Courier & Press. He is also author of several books on baseball, including Can’t Find a Dry Ball and Baseball Days. These and other books by Garret Mathews are available at Amazon.com.
I set a goal of bench-pressing 275 pounds of free weights and, well, it isn’t happening. Stalled on 255, pal. The mind is willing, but the muscle mass isn’t. My sinews and I have tried everything. Lifting more often. Lifting less often.
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Grunting ancient Buddhist chants. Grunting “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” Doing extra pushups. Doing extra doughnuts. Nothing works. It’s as if the gods of benching 275 pounds called an emergency meeting and voted to deny me membership.
So I’m going to do the next best thing. Cheat. This is where you come in.
There’s no need for the primo steroids. I’m a sixty-something writer with mole holes in his yard. Just send me some that spilled on the floor. Bring on the fluid retention. Bring on the extreme irritability. Bring on the impaired judgment. I’m ready.
Don’t let me down, Mr. Juiced-Up Athlete. Get the stuff in the mail today. And, if it comes in flavors, I like strawberry.
When I say I’m going to accomplish something, I’m much too anal-retentive to lower the bar. Besides, I’m too close to the finish line.
Too close to being able to lift an attractive woman’s sports car out of a ditch and having her reward me.
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Too close to being able to stop a .22 slug with my rib cage.
Too close to having arms that can be hired out as temporary bridge supports.
I can’t quit now. All my life I’ve wanted to be a musclebound ox.
And there are just a few silly pounds to go. So I retain some water. So I start a few fights. So I forget where I live. Big deal.
January was good. Most of February was good. Then I hit the wall.
As I see it, there are three ways to break out of the bench-press slump. Improve my nutrition. Out of the question. It’s one thing to become a brute. It’s quite another to eat tofu. Insert steel girders into my chest.
Expensive, but a possibility. I’m meeting with a surgeon who has a construction site for an office. Take steroids. Bingo.
So what if my testicles shrink.
So what if my skin turns yellow.
So what if I develop breasts.
Courtesy: This is not a picture of Garret Mathews, but it is from huffingtonpost.com
Mere side effects.
I’ll pull the 275 pounds.
Please, Mr. Juiced-Up Athlete. Do not ignore this plea for help. Dose me.
Yours in sinews and syringes,
Garret Mathews
