Courtesy: Denver Post
Leif Ryan: It’s great to be back for another interview. Let’s bring out the man, Peyton Manning. Before he comes out though, I’d like to thank our sponsor, Schmucker’s – the creators of the Jam Band; the device that’s sure to get rid of all of your unsightly toe jam. Thank you, Schmucker’s. Now, here’s the man of the hour, Mr. Peyton Manning… um, Peyton what are you doing over there? Why are you humping the air behind your chair? Peyton? Peyton? PEYTON!?
Peyton Manning: OH, YEAH! Yeah! Oh, sorry about that; I was just fucking Manti Teo’s girlfriend. Yeah, don’t call me. I’ll call you ho.
Ryan: Okay, this is a little awkward.
Manning: Sorry to upset your little virgin eyes.
Ryan: Nevertheless, let’s get started, okay?
Manning: Okay, virgin eyes.
Ryan: Really? You’re gonna call me that the whole time?
Manning: I guess I could just do virgin for short.
Ryan: Whatever, let’s just get this done so I can start looking at the want ads again.
Manning: I hear they’re hiring bartenders at the new gay club.
Ryan: (Grrrrrr) So Peyton, you were drafted first overall in the ’98 draft. There was much debate at the time whether yourself, or Ryan Leaf, should have been drafted first overall. Take us through that whole process.
Manning: Wait a minute, what’s your name again?
Ryan: Leif Ryan.
Manning: Leif Ryan, huh? Holy shit! Ryan, is that you? Ryan Leaf? Motherfucker, that is you; I knew you looked familiar.
Ryan: I can assure you, I’m not Ryan Leaf. My name is merely a coincidence.
Manning: Whatever you say, man. Hey, here’s my impression of Ryan Leaf, “Oh, hey, you’re asking me questions after a loss. KNOCK IT OFF! JUST KNOCK IT OFF! I’m Ryan Leaf and I’m a piece of shit.” Hahahahahahaha… what a fucking loser.
Ryan: Personally, I think Ryan Leaf got a little bit of a raw deal, but…..
Manning: Nobody gives a shit what you think! Okay, Ryan Leaf, piece of shit virgin.
Ryan: I’m telling you, my name is Leif Ryan, so just knock it off!
Manning: Ha! “Knock it off,” he says.
Ryan: Anyway, let’s talk about all the years you made the playoffs and your many failures in the playoffs.
Manning: Motherfucker.
Ryan: Okay then, let’s just talk about your most recent failure; taking your 13-3 Broncos to the playoffs and losing at home in your first game to the Ravens.
Manning: I’ve already taken care of that; I cut off a horses head and put it in Raheem Moore’s bed.
Ryan: So you blame Raheem Moore for that horrible angle he took on the miracle pass to Jacoby Jones?
Manning: Did I stutter, virgin?
Ryan: No, I get you and I agree. It’s not like throwing a pick-six and another interception in overtime had anything to do with the loss.
Manning: You think you’re funny, asshole?
Ryan: Just stating the facts, big guy. And what was up with that interception in overtime? Doesn’t an old fart like you know not to throw against your body into coverage?
Manning: Hey man, there was a big dude coming after me. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I guess you probably wouldn’t mind big dudes coming after you, huh?
Ryan: Oh, another gay joke… how original.
Manning: You actually getting laid would be original.
Ryan: Anyway, let’s talk about more of your playoff failures. How about all of your trips to New England? They were fun, right? How about Pittsburgh in ’05? Or San Diego in ’08? Bet you loved the Saints in Superbowl 44?
Manning: How about ’06, huh? I won the Superbowl that year.
Ryan: Very impressive, beating Rex Grossman who led the Chicago Bears. What’s even more impressive is that your younger brother, Eli, has won two Superbowls, both being against Tom Brady; the same Tom Brady that’s kicked your ass plenty of times throughout your career.
Manning: Brady is a cheater! There, I said it.
Ryan: So, Spygate let’s you off the hook, huh?
Manning: Yes.
Ryan: No Spygate and you win those playoff games?
Manning: Yes.
Ryan: Because of Spygate your forehead is the size of a fucking Buick?
Manning: Yes.
Ryan: HA!
Manning: Damn it, you tricked me!
Ryan: That’s not hard to do, and speaking of not hard to do: getting rid of unsightly toe jam is no problem with Schmucker’s Jam Band! Make sure to pick one up at your local retailer today!
Manning: Oh, no you didn’t! Nobody puts ads in the middle of my interviews. And what the fuck is a fucking jam band!? Are you fucking kidding me?
Ryan: Okay, Mr. Papa John’s Pizza and laser rocket arm, and let us not forget, “CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT.”
Manning: At least those ads are normal. Seriously, what the fuck is a jam band? You actually have a market for that?
Ryan: Yes, yes we do.
Manning: This interview is a disaster.
Ryan: You mean like how your team lost Elvis Dumervil?
Manning: I’m seriously getting pissed-off now. I’m about to beat the living shit out of you.
Ryan: Anyway, you won Comeback Player of the year last season; tell us about that.
Manning: Yeah, that’s what I thought you scared little bitch. Anyway, I should be commended. I came back from major neck surgery and took this Denver Bronco team farther than that Bible-thumping-jack-off Tim Tebow could.
Ryan: Sorry to bombard you with fact again, but you got the Broncos to the second round; no farther than Tebow at all.
Manning: Oh, here we go again! Why don’t you suck off Tim Tebow like the rest of the media does.
Ryan: I would, but I’m doing Manti Teo’s girlfriend now. She says, “It’s over with you.”
Manning: That bitch! I’ll kill her!
Ryan: Uh, Peyton? Are you coming back? Peyton? Well, I guess that’s the end. He’ll be really mad when he finds out that Manti Teo’s girlfriend is actually a shoe. Back to you, Dan.
Thanks, Leif. This interview segment never disappoints. Who will be our next guest on Mock Interview? Keep reading to find out and make sure to try out the new Schmucker’s Jam Band. Until then…..
maillot football americain…
I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a little bit, but other than that, this is great blog. A great read. I will certainly be back….