Things have been a little slow in the NFL world lately. The first wave of free agency is over and most people are focused on the start of baseball, and of course, the NCAA hoops tourney. Luckily, things will start picking up for the NFL because there’s this little thing called, “the draft,” in a few weeks, but even before that? Yeah, I think you all know where I’m going with this; the – wait for it…just a little longer…almost there – schedule release!
Can you feel my excitement? It’s like cot-damn Christmas morning to me. And yes, I said cot-damn; we’re not about religious intolerance around here, motherfuckers. The schedule release is rumored to be on the 16th of April, which would follow the pattern from the last couple of years, but who knows what Goodell and the rest of those idiots are pulling. Anyway, in anticipation of the almighty schedule, I’m going to have myself a little fun first; what I’m going to do is make the 2013 schedule for my favorite team – the Baltimore Ravens – the way I would like to see it. Now, we all know the opponents and the locations of the games, so all that is left to know is the order of the games, and the times.
The HOME opponents are Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Cleveland, New England, the New York Jets, Green Bay, Minnesota, and Houston. The AWAY opponents are Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Miami, Buffalo, Chicago, Detroit, and Denver. Below, I’ll post my version of what I would like the Ravens’ schedule to be, and of course, I’ll explain why each game is where it is.
Courtesy: Denver Post
Week 1: @ Denver (Thursday 8:30)
Well, if I had done this column a few weeks ago, I would have had a home game against New England first. However, thanks to the Orioles, the White Sox, NBC, and the walking-talking-pile-of-fecal-matter Roger Goddell, the Ravens can’t start the season at home on the opening Thursday night, which they won the right to last season. Though, there’s no need to cry over spilled milk because this makes a lot of sense from a T.V. network’s perspective: A rematch of last year’s instant classic playoff game, Dumervil’s return to Denver, and Peyton-Peyton-Peyton. This year, many consider Denver the be the big, bad favorite of the AFC, so yeah, let’s go there with that chip-on-the-shoulder, and punch the big, bad Broncos in the mouth one more time.
Week 2: New York Jets (Sunday 1:00)
So, if the Ravens are unfairly getting stuck having to start at Denver, then why not have a patsy to destroy the falling week? If they come up short in Denver, then this game should be an easy even-upper to 1-1; this could be similar to the Oakland game from last year.
Week 3: Cincinnati (Sunday 4:25)
Are the Bengals contenders? Let’s find out early: The Ravens should be feeling pretty good about dismantling the Jets and will be at home for the second straight week. We’ll make this a late afternoon national game because the Bengals haven’t always come through with the bigger stage games.
Week 4: @ Cleveland (Sunday 1:00)
In the worst case scenario, the Ravens will be 1-2 at this point, so it would be a prime time to even-up at 2-2 with this game. Not to sound too cocky, but the Ravens have beaten the Browns ten times in a row. The Browns are definitely due at some point, but they typically seem to give the Ravens a tougher time in Baltimore.
Week 5: New England (Sunday 8:30)
I really would have liked this game to be the Thursday Night opener, but I don’t mind beating the Patriots’ asses a little later; there’s no way this game won’t be during prime time.
Week 6: @ Chicago (Sunday 1:00)
I definitely don’t want this game to be any later than October; this game is currently number one on everyone’s list for the annual “Abeshouse family road-game trip.” I’d really like to take my first trip to Chicago; I want some deep dish baby!
Week 7: Minnesota (Sunday 1:00)
Adrian Peterson always scares me, but there’s never a bad time for Christian Ponder at Baltimore (unless, of course, you’re a fan of the Vikings).
Week 8: @ Pittsburgh (Monday 8:30)
There always has to be a Ravens v. Steelers night game; it’s pretty much an unwritten rule. The Ravens haven’t played against the Steelers on a Monday night in quite a while, so let’s do it here. The Steelers can also have the home-field advantage (they have had this the past two years) because the Ravens have won both night games in the last two years. No fear of the big ketchup bottle!
Week 9: BYE
Could there be a better spot for a bye-week considering that half of the season is over, and the team just finished their eighth game on a Monday night at Pittsburgh? Yeah, this would be the dream scenario for me.
Week 10: @ Cincinnati (Sunday 1:00)
You’ve got to love a bye in between two division road games, huh? Last year, the Ravens had a road game against Cleveland after the bye; I’ll take the game at Cincy this year.
Week 11: Green Bay (Sunday 8:30)
I had trouble deciding on a spot for this game; Green Bay seems like the type of team that’s more likely to have a slump in the middle of the season. Therefore, they’re probably looking at another night game here.
Week 12: @ Miami (Sunday 1:00)
It gets pretty cold in Baltimore this time of the year, so a trip to south Florida would be a nice change of scenery. Also, if it turns out that the Dolphins are a fraud – I think they are – then they will have already been exposed by this point.
Week 13: @ Buffalo (Sunday 4:25 at Toronto)
Yeah, that’s right, Toronto. The Bills play one “home” game every year in a nice cushy dome in Toronto. It would definitely be more advantageous to the Ravens to play indoors in front of an indifferent crowd, as opposed to “freezing balls” in front of the real fans. Let’s go to Canada! We know what it’s all about.
Week 14: Houston (Monday 8:30)
Welcome back Ed. Hopefully, by this point in the season he’s still healthy; I’m not being sarcastic either. I really do hope he does well with the Texans for 15 games; yeah, let’s burn him for a few here though. Still, I’d love to have Ed back as a coach someday after his playing days are over. Also, a December night game against a warm-weathered dome team like Houston is a good thing.
Week 15: @ Detroit (Sunday 1:00)
The thing that sucks about playing a Monday night game is the fact that you have one less day to prepare for the team you’ll be playing the following week. However, it doesn’t suck as much if you have to play a team that will potentially be out of it by this point in the season, and believe me, the Lions could definitely be out of it even earlier than this.
Week 16: Cleveland (Sunday 1:00)
Speaking of being out of it: The Browns will probably be out of it here, but who knows. Still, out of it or not, the Browns always give the Ravens a tough time in Baltimore.
Courtesy: WNST
Week 17: Pittsburgh (Sunday 1:00)
For the past couple of years, Week 17 has been exclusively division games, and since then, there has not been a Baltimore v. Pittsburgh game. I know there’s fear that this game could be wasted if one of these teams is out of it, but let’s say it’s for the division title or a first round bye? This shit would be epic, and wouldn’t this be a great way to get geared-up for the playoffs? Make it happen, League.
So there it is: The 2013 Baltimore Ravens schedule in my own image. I’ll be back next week for my annual checking-off wins and losses column after my vision is completely destroyed. See ya then, and enjoy the NFL schedule release.
