Selection Sunday has come and gone, and in its wake we are left with 68 teams, 4 regions, and a document fondly referred to as “the bracket”. A piece of paper with a bunch of staggered lines on which we’ll scribble names of teams some of us have never even heard of before. We’ll study the stats, pontificate with the pontificators, and when all is said and done, hold in our hands what we believe to be a perfectly predicted path to the Promised Land for one team of destiny. A mere two days later, our loved ones will likely find us huddled over several crumped or torn brackets, defaced by big, red “X’s”, rocking back and forth as we try to make sense of how teams named for bodies of water somehow knocked out half of our Final Four!
And so goes the life of an amateur Bracketologist. Every year we find new and creative ways of analyzing a team’s potential to survive and advance, and every year we are left wondering how we got it so wrong. Well this year my friend, we’re breaking out of the RPI box. Tearing down the BPI and SOS walls. It’s time to find a new measure of success, and I believe I’ve done just that. Welcome to the MSI: Mascot Superiority Index! Below you will find my attempt at predicting every game of the tournament, based solely on a calculation that I am calling “Met in a Dark Alley” or MIADA (The Wordslinger copyright 2013). This highly scientific formula predicts the outcome of two mascots meeting in a dark alley, the victor’s school advancing to the next round.
So if you’re looking to dominate your office pool this year, forget about all those so-called experts and take a gander at what a real “perfect bracket” looks like.
Note: The Wordslinger waives any and all responsibility for any monies lost due to wagering on this system. If you are contemplating dipping into your 401K, please seek help immediately…you have a problem.
First Round (Play-in games)
(16) North Carolina A&T Aggies vs. (16) Liberty Flames- Fire is generally a pretty formidable foe for anyone or anything that isn’t, you know…water. However, it is said that after a NC A&T football player’s touchdown in a game in the late 1800’s was ruled “no good” by a referee, the Aggie’s mascot (a bulldog) was unleashed and attacked the referee who made the call. I’m not messing with that pooch…A&T moves on.
(11) Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders vs. (11) St. Mary’s Gaels- Prior to 2008, St. Mary’s was represented by an odd looking knight in shining armor referred to as Gael Force One. If this matchup had taken place back then, the flying blue horse of Middle Tennessee State would have mopped the floor with that fool. Since then however, St. Mary’s replaced GFO with a Gaelic warrior that resembles a cartoon version of William Wallace. Sorry blue horse, this guy is badass! St. Mary’s advances.
(16) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds vs. (16) James Madison Dukes- The Dukes are represented by a bulldog who, in 2007, was tackled by a chicken mascot during a game. A Chicken is a bird. LIU Brooklyn is represented by a Blackbird. Game, set, match LIU.
(13) Boise State Broncos vs. (13) La Salle Explorers- La Salle should be exploring the NIT this year, not the Big Dance. Boise State gallops into the next round.
Second Round (Round of 64)
Midwest Region
(1) Louisville Cardinals vs. (16) North Carolina A&T Aggies- Never, in the history of the NCAA Tournament, has a #16 seed beaten a #1. Welcome to the beauty of the MIADA system…referee-chewing bulldog advances again. Hold onto your hats folks, we’re just getting started!
(8) Colorado St. Rams vs. (9) Missouri Tigers- Now this is a typical 8-9 matchup; two evenly matched teams battling it out for a spot in the next round. The MIADA had a hard time with this one, so I went above and beyond to bring you hard hitting analysis…Chinese Horoscopes. It seems that the Tiger is domineering while the Ram is sentimental and domestic. No room for sentimentality in this tournament. Missouri moves on!
(5) Oklahoma St. Cowboys vs. (12) Oregon Ducks- Set this battle royale on a quiet lake in Portland and it’s anybody’s game. On land however, I’ve got my money on the hombre with the 6 shooter. OK St. advances.
(4) St. Louis Billikens vs. (13) New Mexico St. Aggies- From all accounts, a Billiken is a mythical creature representing good luck. Unfortunately for St. Louis, he’s going up against the Aggies who are represented by a gruff, cowboy who looks a lot like Clint Eastwood. You gotta ask yourself Billiken, do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?! Upset special here as New Mexico St. moves on.
(6) Memphis Tigers vs. (11) St. Mary’s Gaels- The Gaels continue their William Wallace-like rampage by slaying the Tigers. “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take…OUR FREEDOM!”
(3) Michigan St. Spartans vs. (14) Valparaiso Crusaders- Another example of the tournament committee taking two teams that could really go far and pitting them against each other in the first round. I mean a Spartan or a Crusader would likely cruise into a spot in the Final Four, but now they must battle each other just to get out of the Round of 64. In this case the Spartans advance, when in a shocking turn of events, Gerard Butler storms the court laying waste to the entire Valpo squad. Tough break Crusaders.
(7) Creighton Blue Jays vs. (10) Cincinnati Bearcats- The Blue Jay makes a game of it by continuously flying just out of the reach of the Bearcat, but eventually gets a little too close with one fly by. Bearcats advance.
(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Albany Great Danes- I own two big dogs and I hate Duke with every fiber of my being. Albany wins…this is my column, I don’t need another reason.
West Region
(1) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (16) Southern Jaguars- Bulldogs have fared pretty well to this point, unfortunately the Zags are going up against one of the most dangerous cats on the planet. Those big, floppy jowls simply don’t match up well in this case. Another 16 moves on!
(8) Pittsburgh Panthers vs. (9) Wichita St. Shockers- Oh. Dear. God. This one wasn’t even close. While I love the name “Shockers”, poor Wichita St. is represented in this battle by a bundle of wheat. Wheat. WHEAT!
(5) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (12) Ole Miss Rebels- Badgers can be feisty little SOB’s but they don’t stand a chance against the Black Bear, the new mascot of the Ole Miss Rebels. Had this matchup taken place prior to 2010, there’s a good chance the Badgers would have advanced considering that the Rebels former mascot was an old man named Colonel Reb who walked with a cane.
(4) Kansas St. Wildcats vs. (13) Boise St. Broncos- Another tough matchup, but the Broncos advance with the upset after I learned that K-State’s mascot’s name is Willie.
(6) Arizona Wildcats vs. (11) Belmont Bruins- Wildcats are taking a beating here according to MIADA. The feline just didn’t stand a chance against the burly brute from Belmont. Another double digit seed moves on.
(3) New Mexico Lobos vs. (14) Harvard Crimson- Talk about a mismatch. Harvard would have had its hands full no matter what, going up against a Lobo (which is the Spanish word for wolf, FYI). But they basically mailed it in with their nickname. I mean it’s a color. A wolf vs. a dark red. Ugh…New Mexico in a landslide.
(7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (10) Iowa St. Cyclones- How do you defeat a cyclone? Not even the spiritual boost of a newly elected Pope is enough to help Notre Dame win this matchup.
(2) Ohio St. Buckeyes vs. (15) Iona Gaels- I’m afraid there’s only room for one Gaelic warrior in this field Iona. Brutus, Ohio State’s mascot, is one of the most recognizable figures in all of sports. He might not get his Buckeyes to the championship, but he gets them into the Round of 32.
South Region
(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (16) Western Kentucky Hilltoppers- Finally, a #1 seed lives up to its billing. While a Jayhawk doesn’t exactly feel like a championship contender to me, it certainly beats the hell out of a team of people who climb hills. Not mountains; that would be impressive, but hills.
(8) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (9) Villanova Wildcats- In a previous matchup of Rams and big cats, the Tigers of Missouri beat out the Rams of Colorado St. This time Rameses, the big horn Ram of Carolina, avenges the loss and sends Nova packing.
(5) VCU Rams vs. (12) Akron Zips- Don’t go penciling in the Rams just yet. Despite the name, the Zips are actually represented by a Kangaroo, which can literally kick the crap out of any one of us. However, after a tough battle, the power of the ram gets the best of old Zippy and VCU advances to the next round.
(4) Michigan Wolverines vs. (13) South Dakota St. Jackrabbits- In one of the most lopsided victories so far, the Wolverines destroy the Jackrabbits thanks to a big game from the X-Man himself.
(6) UCLA Bruins vs. (11) Minnesota Golden Gophers- Most foes are typically distracted by the shine of the golden gopher; however, as this matchup took place in a dark alley, we were simply left with a bear vs. a gopher. No contest. UCLA on to the next round.
(3) Florida Gators vs. (14) Northwestern State Demons- Some solid national champion contenders in this round. First the Wolverines, now the demons. I mean look, I wouldn’t want to come face to face with a Gator in a dark alley, that’s for sure. But a gator can only take a limb or two, a demon can take your soul. NW St. moves on and I think someone should get a hold of an exorcist.
(7) San Diego St. Aztecs vs. (10) Oklahoma Sooners- Here’s an interesting matchup, an Aztec warrior vs. a wagon. I’m not sure how you’d determine a winner here since one combatant is an inanimate object, but since determining winners is exactly what we’re doing here…I’m declaring the Aztec the victor.
(2) Georgetown Hoyas vs. (15) Florida Gulf Coast Eagles- Another freakin’ bulldog! I’m putting the Eagles through out of sheer frustration for the lack of originality in the NCAA.
East Region
(1) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (16) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds- While “Hoosiers” remains one of my all-time favorite sports movies, I cannot let me bias get in the way here. The fact is a hoosier is simply a word used to describe a resident of Indiana, so this David vs. Goliath matchup is really just dude vs. bird. I’ll harken back to another classic movie; a little flick entitled “The Birds” and you can guess where this one is headed. David slays Goliath again as another #1 seed exits early.
(8) NC St. Wolfpack vs. (9) Temple Owls- Let’s give credit where credit is due; Owls are indeed birds of prey. However, said prey usually consists of small mammals, insects, and other birds. A pack of wolves does not fit into any of those categories. NC State advances.
(5) UNLV Rebels vs. (12) California Golden Bears- Cal took a lesson from the gophers of Minnesota and combined the hypnotic glow of gold with the brute strength of a bear. Sorry Rebels, the classic #12-#5 upset rises again. Bears move on.
(4) Syracuse Orange vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies- This matchup makes me practically giddy for two reasons; first, I despise coach Boeheim of the Orange almost as much as I despise the fact that they dropped the “men” from their name and just kept the color. Second, I love that Montana didn’t just mail in their nickname by calling themselves “Bears”. No, they went the extra mile to specify which species of Bear they really are. I’m pleased to put Montana into the next round; now will someone please clean up all this Orange on the floor!
(6) Butler Bulldogs vs. (11) Bucknell Bison- Ok, Now it feels like they’re just messing with me. Bison advance…and yes, I’m just being spiteful now.
(3) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (14) Davidson Wildcats- Can you think of anything more American than the idea of a Golden Eagle? Maybe a golden eagle that emigrated from another country and worked two jobs to create a better life for its little golden eagle babies. What a touching story…wait where we? Oh yeah…Wildcats devour Golden Eagles and move on to the next round. Sorry birds!
(7) Illinois Fighting Illini vs. (10) Colorado Buffaloes- This one gets all Dances with Wolves on us, but in the end, the Buffaloes turn the tables on the Illini, stampeding into the next round.
(2) Miami Hurricanes vs. (15) Pacific Tigers- I gotta be honest, it’s hard not to see where this whole bracket is headed. Can any team prevent a Cyclones vs. Hurricanes national title game? Well, there’s a lot of dark alley basketball still to be played so let’s find out! In the meantime, Miami advances in this one.
