Idiot’s Guide to Fantasy Baseball

This is history in the making folks! This will be the first and probably the last time I’ll ever write about baseball – although, never say never, except when I just said it twice just now, but that’s okay because it’s a double-negative, so they cancel each other out. Anyway, all rambling aside, let me explain the concept of this particular column. I am not a big baseball fan; my knowledge of baseball is decent, however, limited. I’ve participated in fantasy baseball drafts, but have yet to finish higher than fifth place in any of them. I skipped out on fantasy baseball last year, which only adds to my level of difficulty.

I assume that most people reading this have played fantasy football or at least understand its concept. For those of you who have only done fantasy football, let me tell you, it’s like playing a video game on the easiest setting when being compared to fantasy baseball, which is like playing a video game on the hardest setting. I guess you could call this “Fantasy Baseball Drafting for Dummies by a Dummy.” Hopefully, this column will help some of you with your fantasy baseball drafts or at the very least, give you a laugh.

Fantasy baseball is a ten-team online draft with a point-style rotisserie scoring system. What in the fuck is that, you ask? A rotisserie scoring system is the cumulative stats you accrue over the year as opposed to a head-to-head system, in which one opponent is played per week and the team with the higher score is the winner. A big pro for the rotisserie system is the fact that the best team wins. However, if you get off to a bad start and get really behind in June and July, then you might as well just pack it in at that point.

Listed below are the required lineups and point values for all the stats you accrue:

• 1 Catcher
• 1      First Baseman
• 1      Second Baseman
• 1      Third Baseman
• 1      Shortstop
• 1      Corner Infielder (1B or 3B)
• 1      Middle Infielder (2B or SS)
• 5      Outfielders
• 1      Utility (any hitter)
• 9      Pitchers (any combination of starters and relievers)

HITTING

Single: 1 Point

Double: 2 Points

Triple: 3 Points

Home Run: 4 Points

Run Batted In: 1 Point

Run Scored: 1 Point

Walk: 1 Point

Stolen Base: 2 Points

 

PITCHING

Win: 10 Points

Save: 7 Points

Loss: -5 Points

1 Inning: 1 Point

Strike Out: 1 Point

Earned Run: -1 Point

Of course, there are also waiver pick-ups you can do each week; I could copy and paste the particulars, but ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat, so just use your imagination. Taking a look at the scoring system, the things that stand out the most are Wins, Saves, and Home Runs, so that’s what I’ll be targeting in this draft.

Then, it’s time to come-up with a cool name for my team; I usually do something that involves steroids, but that gets old. Ha, got it: Human Growth WhoreMoan! Damn, they’re saying it’s invalid, so let me try it without the W… looks like I’ll be Human Growth Horemoan – take that website!

Now, back to business; in a separate window, have the CBS Sports site opened to the rankings, which are up-to-date and have those delightfully convenient red crosses next to the players that are currently injured (this also shows the time the player could be spending on the bench due to injury).

It’s almost time to get started, so I’m going to list my picks in the order I select them, and then add just a sentence or two about why I made the pick.

Let’s get drafting! Oh yeah, I’m drafting 6th out of 10 – probably a good tidbit to have in there. Okay, let’s get to drafting for real this time:

1. Robinson Cano (2B – NYY): I was thinking Pujols here, but the moron in front of me took Buster Posey. Cano was ranked slightly higher than Pujols and is therefore, the best option at a very thin position (Second Base).

2. Josh Hamilton (OF – LAA): A consistent 35-40 home run hitter going to a line-up that already has Albert Pujols and Mike Trout? Yes, please.

3. Edwin Encarnacion (1B – Toronto): I saw that he hit 40-plus homers last year. However, I didn’t check the cheat sheet until after I took him, and I saw that red cross of doom. Luckily, it said that Encarnacion was starting to do some batting practice; hopefully, crisis averted.

4. Felix Hernandez (SP – Seattle): I definitely wanted a pitcher in this spot, and my choices were between Felix and Cole Hamels. I like Felix more, even knowing that his total wins may not be great on a bad Seattle team.

5. Gio Gonzalez (SP – Washington): This player had over 20 wins last year, and is always consistent. You can’t count on 20 wins every year, but I’ll happily take 15.

6. Billy Butler (1B – Kansas City): He had over 30 home runs last year (Can you tell I have a hard-on for the long ball? Wow, that doesn’t sound right at all).

7. Aroldis Chapman (RP – Cincinnati): Due to the scoring system, I’m definitely putting a higher premium on saves, seeing that a save is almost as much as two home runs.

8. Aramiz Ramirez (3B – Milwaukee): A pretty good value on a 25-30 home-run-guy; just stay healthy, my man.

9. Johny Cueto (SP – Cincinnati): A solid number three guy on my pitching staff.

10. Jim Johnson (RP – Baltimore): Bang, another closer! Johnson had 51 saves last year; it would be foolish to expect such a high number again, but shit, I’ll take 40.

11. Nelson Cruz (OF – Texas): Coming off of a down year, however, if he stays healthy, he should have around 25-30 homers and 80-100 RBI.

12. Joe Nathan (RP – Texas): This gives me a third solid closer; I’m hoping to get about 120 saves between the three, which equates to 840 points. Of course, that’s just the gross number before Loss and ERA tax.

13. Josh Willingham (OF – Minnesota): I don’t know much about this player, but he had 35 homers last year and didn’t have the red cross of doom next to his name.

14. Wilin Rosario (C – Colorado): Besides the shortstop position, catcher is easily one of the hardest positions to draft in fantasy. This guy had 25 homers last year and no red cross; I’ll take that for a catcher.

15. C.J Wilson (SP – LAA): I have never been a huge fan of this guy, but as my number four pitcher, I guess he’s alright.

16. Danny Espinosa (SS – Washington): Once it gets this late in the draft, you have to start drafting to positions of need. With that being said, this guy has okay numbers (not great), but he does have eligibility at SS, 2B, and MI.

17. Andre Ethier (OF – LAD): Great value for a 20-25 home-run-guy, filling out another outfield position.

18. Hiroki Kuruda: (SP – NYY): I don’t really know too much about this player either, but he should get a decent win-total being on the Yankees (even if they are a little weaker then normal).

19. Nate McLouth (OF – Baltimore): I’ve heard good things about this player’s spring training on the local radio; last outfield position filled.

20. Jonathon Niese (SP – NYM): Another player I don’t know much about, however, I needed one more starter.

21. Marco Scutaro (SS – San Francisco): Scutaro fills out my last starting middle-infield spot; he’ a decent lead-off type of hitter,  and can do a little of everything.

22. Ben Revere (OF – Philadelphia): I pretty much ignored Stolen Bases, so this guy should help offset that mishap with a projected 30-40 stolen bases. I’ll have him at the Utility position to start.

23. Homer Bailey (SP – Cincinnati): Ugh, I still need to fill out some bench spots. It’s been over two hours and my eyes are getting heavy. Bailey’s numbers looked decent and any fan of The Simpsons would love the name Homer.

24. Miguel Montero (C – Arizona): It’s always nice to have a solid back-up at catcher.

25. Matt Garza (SP – Chicago Cubs): This guy was really good for Tampa a few years back, and it only makes you wonder why he dropped so far? Oh well, no red cross and only a bench guy for now.

26. Jayson Werth (OF – Washington): This player missed some time last year, which would explain some not-so-good numbers. However, he has no red cross, and he’ll be a great pick-up if he can stay healthy.

27. Johan Santana (SP – NYM): Back in the day, this guy was the number one fantasy pitcher. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! He’ll be of great value if he can be even half of what he used to be.

28. Vernon Wells (OF – NYY): This player should get a decent amount of playing time with the current injury situation in New York.

And that’s it! 28 rounds and two-and-a-half brutal hours later. Overall, I’m pretty happy with my team; I feel like I accomplished what I was going after, which was mainly Wins, Saves, and Home Runs. I feel like my starting pitchers could have been a little stronger, but I think my team will be a competitor. I’d love to hear some feedback from all of you, whether it be positive, negative, or indifferent. Hope you all have enjoyed. By the way, listed below are all of the other rosters of my competitors just in case any of you were interested.

WilliesWoppers

 

Round  1:  Miguel Cabrera

Round  2:  Giancarlo Stanton

Round  3:  Troy Tulowitzki

Round  4:  Jay Bruce

Round  5:  Max Scherzer

Round  6:  Freddie Freeman

Round  7:  Madison Bumgarner

Round  8:  Yovani Gallardo

Round  9:  Carlos Santana

Round 10:  Jon Lester

Round 11:  Desmond Jennings

Round 12:  Adam LaRoche

Round 13:  Andrelton Simmons

Round 14:  Addison Reed

Round 15:  Matt Harrison

Round 16:  Jason Grilli

Round 17:  Shane Victorino

Round 18:  Bruce Rondon

Round 19:  Dustin Ackley

Round 20:  David Ortiz

Round 21:  Felix Doubront

Round 22:  Kyle Lohse

Round 23:  A.J. Burnett

Round 24:  Denard Span

Round 25:  David Murphy

Round 26:  Kelly Johnson

Round 27:  Mark Reynolds

Round 28:  Clay Buchholz

 

 

Jake Hawk

 

Round  1:  Mike Trout

Round  2:  Stephen Strasburg

Round  3:  Justin Upton

Round  4:  Jason Heyward

Round  5:  Jered Weaver

Round  6:  Yadier Molina

Round  7:  Jacoby Ellsbury

Round  8:  Brett Lawrie

Round  9:  Jonathan Papelbon

Round 10:  Elvis Andrus

Round 11:  J.J. Putz

Round 12:  Martin Prado

Round 13:  Joel Hanrahan

Round 14:  John Axford

Round 15:  Tim Lincecum

Round 16:  Howie Kendrick

Round 17:  Mark Teixeira

Round 18:  Alfonso Soriano

Round 19:  Jason Kubel

Round 20:  J.J. Hardy

Round 21:  Ryan Madson

Round 22:  Carlos Marmol

Round 23:  Jeremy Hellickson

Round 24:  Steve Cishek

Round 25:  Bobby Parnell

Round 26:  Kyuji Fujikawa

Round 27:  Jason Vargas

Round 28:  Edwin Jackson

 

 

MasterBlasters

 

Round  1:  Ryan Braun

Round  2:  Adrian Beltre

Round  3:  Starlin Castro

Round  4:  Matt Cain

Round  5:  Adrian Gonzalez

Round  6:  Kris Medlen

Round  7:  Chris Sale

Round  8:  Victor Martinez

Round  9:  Rafael Soriano

Round 10:  Rickie Weeks

Round 11:  Chris Davis

Round 12:  Michael Morse

Round 13:  Brandon Morrow

Round 14:  Lance Berkman

Round 15:  Casey Janssen

Round 16:  Josh Reddick

Round 17:  Ichiro Suzuki

Round 18:  Neil Walker

Round 19:  Kendrys Morales

Round 20:  Derek Holland

Round 21:  Ryan Vogelsong

Round 22:  Jonathan Broxton

Round 23:  Matt Carpenter

Round 24:  Michael Cuddyer

Round 25:  Alex Cobb

Round 26:  Shelby Miller

Round 27:  Trevor Plouffe

Round 28:  Brian McCann

 

 

I Bleed Dodger Blue

 

Round  1:  Matt Kemp

Round  2:  Carlos Gonzalez

Round  3:  Clayton Kershaw

Round  4:  Hanley Ramirez

Round  5:  Cliff Lee

Round  6:  Chase Headley

Round  7:  Ian Desmond

Round  8:  Zack Greinke

Round  9:  Roy Halladay

Round 10:  Mat Latos

Round 11:  Matt Moore

Round 12:  Carlos Gomez

Round 13:  Sergio Romo

Round 14:  Asdrubal Cabrera

Round 15:  Paul Konerko

Round 16:  Eric Hosmer

Round 17:  Chris Perez

Round 18:  Corey Hart

Round 19:  Norichika Aoki

Round 20:  Mike Minor

Round 21:  J.P. Arencibia

Round 22:  Daniel Descalso

Round 23:  Jeff Francoeur

Round 24:  Lucas Harrell

Round 25:  J.J. Hoover

Round 26:  Brandon Belt

Round 27:  Allen Webster

Round 28:  Cliff Pennington

 

 

la autobus

 

Round  1:  Buster Posey

Round  2:  Bryce Harper

Round  3:  David Price

Round  4:  Dustin Pedroia

Round  5:  B.J. Upton

Round  6:  CC Sabathia

Round  7:  Adam Wainwright

Round  8:  Michael Bourn

Round  9:  Pedro Alvarez

Round 10:  Anthony Rizzo

Round 11:  Josh Johnson

Round 12:  Nick Swisher

Round 13:  Erick Aybar

Round 14:  Jeff Samardzija

Round 15:  Doug Fister

Round 16:  Brett Anderson

Round 17:  Derek Jeter

Round 18:  Ernesto Frieri

Round 19:  Mitch Moreland

Round 20:  Wil Myers

Round 21:  David Freese

Round 22:  Alex Avila

Round 23:  Bronson Arroyo

Round 24:  Torii Hunter

Round 25:  Jon Jay

Round 26:  Chris Nelson

Round 27:  Scott Kazmir

Round 28:  Zack Wheeler

 

 

Human Growth Horemoan

 

Round  1:  Robinson Cano

Round  2:  Josh Hamilton

Round  3:  Edwin Encarnacion

Round  4:  Felix Hernandez

Round  5:  Gio Gonzalez

Round  6:  Billy Butler

Round  7:  Aroldis Chapman

Round  8:  Aramis Ramirez

Round  9:  Johnny Cueto

Round 10:  Jim Johnson

Round 11:  Nelson Cruz

Round 12:  Joe Nathan

Round 13:  Josh Willingham

Round 14:  Wilin Rosario

Round 15:  C.J. Wilson

Round 16:  Danny Espinosa

Round 17:  Andre Ethier

Round 18:  Hiroki Kuroda

Round 19:  Nate McLouth

Round 20:  Jonathon Niese

Round 21:  Marco Scutaro

Round 22:  Ben Revere

Round 23:  Homer Bailey

Round 24:  Miguel Montero

Round 25:  Matt Garza

Round 26:  Jayson Werth

Round 27:  Johan Santana

Round 28:  Vernon Wells

 

 

Donny The Goat B-Express

 

Round  1:  Andrew McCutchen

Round  2:  Evan Longoria

Round  3:  Jose Reyes

Round  4:  Cole Hamels

Round  5:  Paul Goldschmidt

Round  6:  Brandon Phillips

Round  7:  James Shields

Round  8:  Shin-Soo Choo

Round  9:  Mariano Rivera

Round 10:  Jordan Zimmermann

Round 11:  Chase Utley

Round 12:  Will Middlebrooks

Round 13:  Carlos Beltran

Round 14:  Matt Harvey

Round 15:  Melky Cabrera

Round 16:  Jonathan Lucroy

Round 17:  Josh Rutledge

Round 18:  Todd Frazier

Round 19:  Wade Miley

Round 20:  Josh Beckett

Round 21:  Alejandro De Aza

Round 22:  Ryan Dempster

Round 23:  Alexi Ogando

Round 24:  Michael Saunders

Round 25:  Kevin Youkilis

Round 26:  Tommy Milone

Round 27:  Ryan Ludwick

Round 28:  Barry Zito

 

 

Bada Bowen

 

Round  1:  Ben Zobrist

Round  2:  Matt Holliday

Round  3:  Jose Bautista

Round  4:  Ryan Zimmerman

Round  5:  Aaron Hill

Round  6:  Jimmy Rollins

Round  7:  Adam Dunn

Round  8:  Ryan Howard

Round  9:  Mark Trumbo

Round 10:  Curtis Granderson

Round 11:  Mike Napoli

Round 12:  Ike Davis

Round 13:  Ian Kennedy

Round 14:  Anibal Sanchez

Round 15:  Jake Peavy

Round 16:  Dan Haren

Round 17:  Marco Estrada

Round 18:  Lance Lynn

Round 19:  Jarrod Parker

Round 20:  Tim Hudson

Round 21:  Mike Fiers

Round 22:  Dexter Fowler

Round 23:  Trevor Cahill

Round 24:  Brandon McCarthy

Round 25:  Starling Marte

Round 26:  Tommy Hanson

Round 27:  Jaime Garcia

Round 28:  Chris Tillman

 

 

Bluebirds of Happiness

 

Round  1:  Joey Votto

Round  2:  Justin Verlander

Round  3:  David Wright

Round  4:  Ian Kinsler

Round  5:  Yu Darvish

Round  6:  R.A. Dickey

Round  7:  Jason Kipnis

Round  8:  Alex Gordon

Round  9:  Jason Motte

Round 10:  Austin Jackson

Round 11:  Pablo Sandoval

Round 12:  Jose Altuve

Round 13:  Matt Wieters

Round 14:  Nick Markakis

Round 15:  Adam Eaton

Round 16:  Julio Teheran

Round 17:  Alcides Escobar

Round 18:  Oscar Taveras

Round 19:  Hyun-Jin Ryu

Round 20:  Kenley Jansen

Round 21:  Daniel Straily

Round 22:  Dayan Viciedo

Round 23:  Jackie Bradley

Round 24:  Jesus Montero

Round 25:  Gerrit Cole

Round 26:  Justin Morneau

Round 27:  Aaron Hicks

Round 28:  Andy Pettitte

 

 

LASTOUT

 

Round  1:  Albert Pujols

Round  2:  Prince Fielder

Round  3:  Adam Jones

Round  4:  Craig Kimbrel

Round  5:  Yoenis Cespedes

Round  6:  Allen Craig

Round  7:  Joe Mauer

Round  8:  Fernando Rodney

Round  9:  Alex Rios

Round 10:  Huston Street

Round 11:  Tom Wilhelmsen

Round 12:  Carl Crawford

Round 13:  Hunter Pence

Round 14:  Greg Holland

Round 15:  Grant Balfour

Round 16:  Glen Perkins

Round 17:  Dan Uggla

Round 18:  Angel Pagan

Round 19:  Rafael Betancourt

Round 20:  Brandon League

Round 21:  Mike Moustakas

Round 22:  Jed Lowrie

Round 23:  Brett Gardner

Round 24:  A.J. Griffin

Round 25:  Alexei Ramirez

Round 26:  Emilio Bonifacio

Round 27:  Domonic Brown

Round 28:  Michael Young