Courtesy: USA Today
What up party people in the place to be? So what’s the deal? We got about six months before the 2013 season kicks off, which means that’s six months that I can’t make weekly picks. What ever will I do? Create a new and funny on-going series that conducts mock interviews with NFL stars? Yeah, sounds good to me. This inaugural edition will be with the Super Bowl 47 MVP and 120 million dollar man himself Joe Flacco. Just remember this is solely for entertainment purposes and with that being said let’s kick it down to the host and interviewer of this segment Mr. Leif Ryan!LEIF RYAN: Thank you Dan for the warm welcome. I’m Leif Ryan and I’m indeed the host and interviewer of Mock Interview. Without any further ado let’s bring out our guest Mr. Joseph Flacco!
JOE FLACCO: Yeah.
RYAN: Joe! Welcome. Good day. Guten Tag. Como Estes. Nice to have you here.
FLACCO: Thanks. It’s a pleasure.
RYAN: Okay. Enough of the pleasantries, let’s get down to business. You recently signed the richest contract in NFL history. Six years in excess of 120 million dollars! How do you feel about that?
FLACCO: Ummm…..Well….You know it feels pretty good I guess.
RYAN: Pretty good I guess!? You kidding me? I would kill for 120 million dollars. Instead I’m stuck being a figment of a crazy persons imagination!
FLACCO: What?
RYAN: Never mind. Do you have anything special you’re going to buy with your new found wealth?
FLACCO: Ummmm…..Gee I don’t know. Put most of it the bank I guess.
RYAN: Wow Joe! They don’t call you Mr. Excitement for nothing. Anyway let’s talk some football, what you do you say?
FLACCO: Sure.
RYAN: Well your 2012 season was anything but typical. For most of the regular season you totally sucked ass, but in the playoffs you went on a crazy hot run unlike anything seen before. Your thoughts?
FLACCO: Ummmm… Well I don’t think I really sucked ass in the regular season.
RYAN: Oh no? That wasn’t you losing at home to Charlie Batch? That wasn’t you committing key turnovers in a loss to Washington? That wasn’t you sucking so bad in that loss to Denver that a new internet Meme craze was started because of you sucking so bad in that game?
FLACCO: So I had a little rough patch all right, but look at what I did after that.
RYAN: One of the greatest postseason performances of all time no doubt, but before we got in to that I have to ask just one more question about the regular season
FLACCO: Okay.
RYAN: That game in San Diego, you know “Hey Diddle Diddle up the middle” on that 4th and 29 play, that dump off was a give up play wasn’t it?
FLACCO: He got the first down right?
RYAN: Yes, Rice did get the first down, but let’s be honest, did you really think Rice was going to run 25 yards plus?
FLACCO: I knew he had it in him.
RYAN: You’re going to bullshit me all day on this aren’t you?
FLACCO: Huh?
RYAN: Never mind, let’s move on. Starting with that Giants game and going through the Superbowl you were like a totally different Quarterback. Could you say that maybe the addition of Jim Caldwell and subtraction of Cam Cameron had a little something to do with it?
FLACCO: Yeah, you could say that. Cam Cameron, that guy is fucking clown shoes. I hate that asshole and so do you.
RYAN: Wow Joe! This doesn’t seem like you at all. What up?
FLACCO: It’s all good, not like anyone important is going to see this interview anyway.
RYAN: Says you. Anyway let’s talk about the playoff game in Denver. You guys go in as 9.5 point underdogs, you give up two special teams touchdowns, you throw a miracle pass to Jacoby Jones to send the game in to overtime, and you need to go in to a second overtime to win it with a field goal at the end. Your thoughts on that incredible game?
FLACCO: That was a tough game, a lot of people thought I was going to be a disaster there, maybe because I didn’t have a great game against those guys in the regular season, but I said before the season that I was elite and I think I helped to prove that with my performance in that game.
RYAN: Yeah, that definitely helped. The following week you got the ultimate vindication by beating the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship after coming so agonizingly close last year.
FLACCO: ………………
RYAN: Oh sorry, your thoughts?
FLACCO: It felt great, especially after last year. I mean one bonehead can’t catch a ball and another bonehead can’t kick a ball.
RYAN: Not to mention another bonehead grew a ridiculous fu man chu.
FLACCO: Hey man I got a lot of love for that.
RYAN: Yes, I’m sure all the mental patients loved it.
FLACCO: You better watch it man!
RYAN: Okay then. So you go to the Superbowl against San Francisco, you throw for nearly 300 yards and 3 touchdowns and you’re named Superbowl MVP.
FLACCO: Yeah baby! I got a car for that. I was surprised, very surprised. I’d definitely say that was a good surprise as opposed to a not good surprise.
RYAN: How insightful. Early in the 3rd quarter you guys are up 28-6, I mean you guys are straight rolling and then in a bizarre twist the lights go out. Your thoughts on that?
FLACCO: How does that even happen? I said that too when it happened, it’s on tape yo. If that power outage doesn’t happen, then we kill those guys for reals. So that’s my thoughts on that, how do you like them apples?
RYAN: I’m actually allergic to apples.
FLACCO: HA! Allergic to apples? What kind of dork is allergic to apples. HAHA.
RYAN: Oh I’m the dork? I got news for ya pal, you’re about as interesting as a block of wood.
FLACCO: A really rich block of wood.
RYAN: Okay, you got me there. I was just about to segue in to that record breaking contract of yours.
FLACCO: By all means….
RYAN: In the weeks leading up to your contract there were rumors that if Baltimore gave you the non exclusive franchise tag then the Cleveland Browns would have pounced on you. Your………wait for it…………..thoughts on that?
FLACCO: Well, brown is the color of my poop, but I don’t poop that often and sometimes I got that baby green going on.
RYAN: A poop joke? Really? Ugh… anyway now that you’re the highest paid QB (for now) you’re going to be compared to the top QB’s in the league, so we’re going to do a little word association, okay?
FLACCO: Yeah, whatever.
RYAN: Aaron Rodgers.
FLACCO: That’s a good looking dude I can’t lie, I get lost looking in to his eyes.
RYAN: Peyton Manning.
FLACCO: I have as many playoff wins and Superbowl titles as him. Stats my ass.
RYAN: Tom Brady.
FLACCO: It would be nice if I got all the calls that he gets.
RYAN: Drew Bress.
FLACCO: What’s up with that thing on his face?
RYAN: Ben Roethlisberger.
FLACCO: The ultimate ladies man.
RYAN: Eli Manning.
FLACCO: That’s my boy!
RYAN: Matt Ryan.
FLACCO: HA! That bum was drafted higher then me? What a non playoff winning douche bag.
RYAN: Mark Sanchez.
FLACCO: …….
RYAN: Ha! Knew that would get a laugh. How about RG3?
FLACCO: Fast.
RYAN: And finally Colin Kaepernick.
FLACCO: I don’t see him posing now. Tell that scumbag to get another tattoo and stop bothering people.
RYAN: So I guess you probably didn’t like when one of your main weapons was traded to his team?
FLACCO: What the hell are you talking about?
RYAN: You mean to tell me you haven’t heard about Anquan Boldin yet?
FLACCO: No. What about Boldin?
RYAN: He was just traded to San Francisco for a sixth round pick.
FLACCO: WHAT!?!?
RYAN: Ha! Here comes the line……..and……………
FLACCO: Oh shut up! Shut up you damn loser! Aw shit! Damn it shit! Anal cavity shit! Aw God damn it! What the fuck Ozzie!? What a bunch ass burgers with a side of fries! Fuck my mother!
RYAN: You done yet?
FLACCO: Yeah! I’m done with this interview.
RYAN: The interview is over anyway.
FLACCO: Your mom is over.
RYAN: Real mature.
FLACCO: You guys validate parking?
RYAN: Good bye Joe. Back to you Dan.
Thanks Leif. Well that interview was a lot crazier then I thought. I never knew Joe Flacco had such a dark side. Anyway there are plenty more Mock Interviews to come. What other players will be interviewed in the near future? You’ll just have to tune in to see.
